Swimsuit PSA

Do I mention that I live at the beach often enough? No? Okay, so I live at the beach, right? Even when I’m not actually on the beach (at which I live, btw) it’s pretty casual around here, and much of the time people are in their bathing suits when riding bikes or whatever. And, my friends, most of the time people are doing the swimsuit thing all wrong. I need to set the general public straight. (I realize a guide to bathing suits would have been more helpful at the beginning of the summer, when you were shopping, but I wanted to make a careful study of this topic before presenting my research findings.)

I have scientifically determined the bathing suit style that looks great on everybody and every body:

This enhances small breasts and lifts and shows off big ones. It’s cute but not slutty, fun but not too young, glamorous but not self-conscious. Add a floppy straw hat and you’ll be set.

And it doesn’t have one of those little skirts (in fact, I think this particular example cuts a little low on the thighs–the higher the cut the longer your legs look! Of course, then you have to worry about, you know, hair removal, but still.)

Look, I know everyone thinks those swim skirts are a good way to cover up body flaws, but really all they do is highlight the fact that you think you have some. Nearly every woman has some cellulite. Nobody cares, I promise. Weird veins, stretch marks–honestly I only notice them when you are trying to distract me. (Not to mention, when wet, those skirts are all clingy and drowned-kitten looking). Same goes with extreme shirring, though a little can be flattering. Confidence and unselfconsciousness in your body make it look better. If you insist on a cover-up on your way to and fro, a little sleeveless cotton dress or some sweat shorts are the way to go. A big white T-shirt, say, is basically a sign that says, “My body embarrasses me. Guess why!”

It’s largely about attitude. And also, like I said, my rigorous research findings suggest this particular style works on everyone. Problem solved. You’re welcome!

(And no, that pic is not of me. I actually totally would have put one up–I think I have a rare form of body dysmorphic disorder where I look way hotter to myself than to anyone else–but I haven’t mastered the art of photographing myself in a mirror like the population of MySpace, and Husband has been out of town, and plus he would totally make fun of me if I wanted a bathing suit shot of me for my blog. I even tried to get Little Girl to photograph me, but she just kept getting shots of her feet.)