I have an intellectual post just about all ready to go on working/staying home, but right now it just doesn’t seem like this topic is totally in the realm of the rational. Long story short I am working full-time for four days next week. Baby will be at the sitter’s from 7:15 AM until 3:30 PM (at the earliest). This is a really fucking long time. It’ll be the longest she’s ever been away from me and it just sucks sucks sucks. I am so upset I said yes to working this week. Why can’t I ever say no? In preparation, I’ve been obsessing about Baby’s food and packed her several fancy little dishes for tomorrow, and have checked and rechecked the diaper bag. I hate the thought of leaving her so long.
And then, about an hour after she went to sleep tonight, Baby woke up. Husband went to her, she was upset, but he got her to lie down again, and she got quiet. But by the time he returned downstairs, she started screaming. I went up there and she was just covered in vomit. She kept on throwing up a bit more. She’s never been sick like this before. I suspect it’s something to do with too much milk and too little pooping and too many grapes and getting overworked, or maybe some reaction to the petting zoo today, or to some spoiled food–I don’t know. It was so horrible. I feel so much like I am failing her because I simply have to work tomorrow. If she seems sick in the morning, Husband will stay home with her, and of course he can pick her up at the babysitter’s at any time if she needs it. But my fragile little girl, my baby, my tiny darling, who’s been clingy lately anyway, might be feeling scared about the vomiting, or at any rate confused about why she’s at the babysitter’s so long (if she has that kind of sense of time–I don’t know–but she goes there about once a week for a couple hours, normally), and she won’t be at home and she won’t be with her mommy and it’ll go on for days and days and it’s all my fault.
18 May 2008 at 8:13 pm
So sorry Eva. I can only tell you that I can commiserate, because I felt similarly guilty and anxious when I first started working full time and sending my kids to daycare. For me it has gotten easier in many ways, though I still sometimes feel like I’m missing out. Of course, I have an easier set up in that I can peek on them during the day with the on site daycare, which helps some. Maybe you can ask the sitter to take some photos and send them to you during the day? Or maybe not, just a thought.
And poor baby getting sick tonight. Watching your kid get sick is really tough. I hope she gets better soon.
18 May 2008 at 10:12 pm
Aaaw. Poor Baby! And poor Eva! It’s so rough moving to a longer separation all of a sudden. I hope the illness clears up and it all goes ok this week.
19 May 2008 at 9:17 am
Aw, poor Baby–hope she feels better soon. I know it’s so hard leaving her especially when you’re worried about her health. The great thing is that it’s a sitter she already knows, so you know she won’t be scared or confused about who she’s with. And what everyone told me when I went back to work, and has told my husband as he contemplates going back to work, is that the initial separation is MUCH harder on you than it is on them.
Hang in there mama!
19 May 2008 at 12:38 pm
Poor Baby and Mamma! I hope she feels better and you are able to concentrate on your work and not feel too guilty.
19 May 2008 at 7:25 pm
Well, she seems to have done okay today, though she had some diarrhea this evening. She was exhausted and went to bed way early. Today was SOOOO boring. I left my baby for THAT?
19 May 2008 at 8:04 pm
Poor baby Nora. I am glad she is feeling better today. I think taking the subbing job is a really great idea. Especially if you want to teach at that university in the Fall.