I have an intellectual post just about all ready to go on working/staying home, but right now it just doesn’t seem like this topic is totally in the realm of the rational. Long story short I am working full-time for four days next week. Baby will be at the sitter’s from 7:15 AM until 3:30 PM (at the earliest). This is a really fucking long time. It’ll be the longest she’s ever been away from me and it just sucks sucks sucks. I am so upset I said yes to working this week. Why can’t I ever say no? In preparation, I’ve been obsessing about Baby’s food and packed her several fancy little dishes for tomorrow, and have checked and rechecked the diaper bag. I hate the thought of leaving her so long.
And then, about an hour after she went to sleep tonight, Baby woke up. Husband went to her, she was upset, but he got her to lie down again, and she got quiet. But by the time he returned downstairs, she started screaming. I went up there and she was just covered in vomit. She kept on throwing up a bit more. She’s never been sick like this before. I suspect it’s something to do with too much milk and too little pooping and too many grapes and getting overworked, or maybe some reaction to the petting zoo today, or to some spoiled food–I don’t know. It was so horrible. I feel so much like I am failing her because I simply have to work tomorrow. If she seems sick in the morning, Husband will stay home with her, and of course he can pick her up at the babysitter’s at any time if she needs it. But my fragile little girl, my baby, my tiny darling, who’s been clingy lately anyway, might be feeling scared about the vomiting, or at any rate confused about why she’s at the babysitter’s so long (if she has that kind of sense of time–I don’t know–but she goes there about once a week for a couple hours, normally), and she won’t be at home and she won’t be with her mommy and it’ll go on for days and days and it’s all my fault.
