It’s not all or nothing

I have a problem with “all or nothing” thinking. When I discovered I couldn’t make ALL the baby’s milk back in the early weeks, I compensated by trying everything possible to make as much milk as I could. I have had that More Milk Now drive for six months. But I’m relaxing on that. I am cutting myself some slack. The weather is gorgeous. My baby is so fun. It’s time for a change: this is Exclusively Pumping 2.0 and I am no longer going to be obsessive about it.

Old motto: As much milk as I can make, at all costs.

New motto: A reasonable amount of milk, but not milk above all things.

This regime change of thinking is part of the reason I went ahead with the solids. Making milk is no longer my big burden; I get to make food, too, now! And making food can be fun! I guess that’s why I wanted Baby’s food to be homemade–it’s on a par with the accomplishment of making her milk. Even with that, though, I was doing my black/white thinking. All homemade food, all the time! Well, that’s silly. They make convenient foods for babies. So I got some, and we tried some. The spoon-feeding has thus far not been a success, but we have carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, applesauce, pears, all awaiting Baby in the cupboard. I don’t have to do only one thing (baby-led weaning or spoonfeeding mushy stuff). I can mix it up, just like we can use my milk and formula milk. Just like you don’t have to do all or nothing with co-sleeping, or babywearing, or cloth diapering, or any of the other camps people like to claim. No reason to box oneself in.

So, with Pumping 2.0, this means I am going to enjoy sleeping, eating, my friends, my baby, and if pumping wants to get in the way of those things, well, then pumping is just going to have to back the hell off for once. I will aim to pump 6-7 times a day, as it fits into the schedule. No longer will I cut short an outing or a fun game to pump.

And it is resolved: my output is not my self-worth. I am going to stop measuring the ounces to the 100th decimal place. I won’t calculate the ratio of formula to my milk. Maybe I’ll just check in on my supply once a week. I still will take galactagogues, at least for a while. When I recently had to decide whether or not to order more Domperidone, I ended up getting some for two more months, and after that, I’m done. I have enough More Milk Special Blend for a month or so more. I love the freedom of letting go of this goal. Maybe I’ll never figure out what my breasts can do at their peak, but I am happy with them for more than quadrupling their supply. They have done a good job. I will give them a break, too.

I refuse to let my mood wax or wane based on mercurial glands. It is actually sort of helpful that I know I can make more milk than I do now, but I just am choosing not to bother. Before, I was always wondering: is this it? Are my breasts working at maximum capacity? Now it is a choice to sit at 16 oz. It would take too much work, too much oatmeal, too much pumping to bump it up again. I am going to enjoy this sleeping through the night, the numbers be damned. I have done my part towards working on my supply, and now it’s time for a break. I am blessed with a good sleeper; let me sleep, too.

Plus, I get to start weaning in 2.5 months! Weaning shouldn’t be too much trouble with my low supply and my body’s intense desire not to lactate. (It’ll take any excuse to make less milk.) So by the end of June, when Baby turns 10 months old, I hope to be done. Why not 12 months? Because in early July we are off to Sweden for a wedding trip. I believe it is a reasonable balance of my interests and Baby’s needs that I pump until then, so I can enjoy the beautiful Swedish summer and not try to be all heroic with international pumping, not cart my pump on the plane, or pop back inside the house all the time instead of lounging around in the warm grass with white wine, chatting with my father-in-law, watching my baby crawl (or toddle) about. Besides, I was weaned at 10 months. It seems fitting. Probably at the time it will be agonizing, but for now I am very comfortable with the idea.

Yes, I can still be an exclusive pumper even if pumping isn’t my only concern, exclusive of all else.